Introduction

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Well our topic today is Responsible Parenting.  So I thought I’d start with my Top 5 parenting one-liners:

1. Good parenting lies somewhere between ‘don’t do that’ and ‘ah … whatever’.

2. When first child eats dirt … parents call doctor.  When second child eats dirt … parents wash their mouth out.  When third child eats dirt … parents wonder whether they need to feed them lunch.

3. Having a 2-year-old in the house is like owning a blender … without a lid.

4. If you’re having trouble getting your kids’ attention … try (i) using the bathroom, (ii) making a phone call, (iii) lying down on the couch, or (iv) opening a chocolate bar.

5. Everyone is an expert on parenting … until they become one.

So this is the next in our topical series for Term 2 … looking at some of the hot button issues of our present cultural moment.  And by ‘hot button’ I mean those topics that either attract a lot of attention … or a lot of dissenting voices … in our society.  And with the invention of social media … there are even MORE ‘experts’ on parenting out there.  And by ‘experts’ … I mean rude and judgmental people.

And so the FIRST thing I want to say today is this sermon is not designed to be judgmental.  The last time I preached on this topic was 12 years ago … believe it or not … back in 2012.  Yet that sermon still sticks in my mind to this day.  The reason being several people came up to me after the sermon … lamenting how they HADN’T done many of the things I spoke about … and now it was too late … because their kids were all grown up.  So the FIRST thing I want to say today is IF I mention things that you haven’t done … there’s no judgment … from me OR God.  Now having said that … God WILL judge an abusive or neglectful parent.  Don’t be THAT kind of parent.  But if you’re doing your best … there’s no judgment here today.  OK … EVERYONE is an expert on parenting … until they become one.  Then you realise parenting is mostly making it up as you go along.

The SECOND thing I want to say … is most of what I’m speaking about today has a wider application than just parenting.  Now ‘YES’ … some of my material today is specifically aimed at raising small children.  But much of what I’m talking about today … translates to other relationships as well.  Like kids are just mini versions of REAL people … aren’t they?  So my prayer is we’ll ALL get something out of today … whether you’re a parent or not.

And the THIRD thing I want to say … is that this sermon is going to be MOSTLY application today.  What I’m looking at is my Top 5 tips for Responsible Parenting.  Yet these tips come straight from the Bible … and ALL fall under a verse that we DIDN’T read before.  And that verse is:

Ephesians 6:4 (NIV) … do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.

And that’s what each of my 5 points all build towards; bringing our children up ‘in the training and instruction of the Lord’.  And those 5 points … as your sermon outline shows … are (i) Discipline, (ii) Engagement, (iii) Training, (iv) Instruction, and (v) Godliness.  And in my experience … the more I apply these principles to my parenting … the more my kids benefit.  The more I ignore these principles … whether that be through laziness or selfishness … the more my kids suffer.  Now while we’ve got a whopping FIVE points today … I still can’t cover it all in 25 minutes.  So there will be a question time at the end.  But let’s dive in shall we … and look at Responsible Parenting.

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Discipline (Prov 23:13-14)

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And the FIRST parenting tip I have today … is discipline.  Now this is a highly controversial topic in Western Culture.  The sermon I’ve received the STONGEST pushback from ever … was one in which I mentioned a physical form of discipline for children.  There are some very strong ideas in our society today on discipline.  So what does the Bible say:

Proverbs 23:13-14 (NIV) Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you punish them with the rod, they will not die. 14 Punish them with the rod and save them from death.

Now this passage is NOT saying all discipline should be physical.  It’s simply warning against the notion that you should NEVER discipline a child.  And in spite of the growing voices that speak against using ‘the rod’ … the data supports this verse.  So experts break parenting down into 4 different parenting styles (Slide).  They are (i) Authoritarian, (ii) Permissive, (iii) Uninvolved, and (iv) Authoritative.  So let me explain them briefly:

(i) Authoritarian parenting sets out strict rules for their kids, with no explanation.  When questioned, parents will usually answer ‘because I said so’.  And failure to adhere to the rules results in strict punishment.

(ii) Permissive parenting has very few rules or demands.  Children are rarely disciplined, and the little discipline shown is often inconsistent.  These parents are more responsive and nurturing … in an attempt to be their child’s friend.

(iii) Uninvolved … or neglectful parenting … is just that.  Little to no guidance or support is offered … as is little to no discipline.

(iv) Finally … Authoritative parenting sets out rules and guidelines … just like Authoritarian.  But these boundaries are explained to the children.  ‘You can’t play on the road because you might get hit by a car.’  Now when children step out of line, they’re punished … but the punishment is explained in a way that shows the child … it is for their own good.

And each of these parenting styles … produce different children.  Here’s what the research shows:

(i) Authoritarian parenting … produces children who rank lower in happiness, social competence and self-esteem.  They are more obedient and proficient; but that is because they tend to associate obedience and success with love.  They are often aggressive outside the home (i.e. THEY’RE the school bullies), and they never learn how to set their OWN personal standards in life … because they’ve just been TOLD what to do.

(ii) Permissive parenting produces children who lack self-discipline, are self-involved and demanding.  They may have better interpersonal skills … but they’re 3 times more likely to engage in heavy drinking, are less academically motivated, and lack the ability to share.  They also grow with a lack of respect for those in authority, such as teachers or police.

(iii) Uninvolved parenting produces children who have trouble developing emotional connections with people, have less social skills and less coping mechanisms.

(iv) Authoritative parenting generally produces children who have a happy demeanour, good emotional control, good social skills, and are better at learning new skills.  These kids learn that they can act independently and accomplish things on their own … which leads to good self-esteem.

In short, Authoritative parenting … parenting that (a) SETS boundaries, (b) explains those boundaries, then (c) enforces those boundaries … produces the most successful kids.  It is the healthy balance between provoking your child … exasperating your child on the one hand … and producing an insecure child … with NO boundaries on the other.

Proverbs 23:13 (NIV) Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you punish them with the rod, they will not die.

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Engagement

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The SECOND parenting tip for today is that bringing your child up in the training and instruction of the Lord requires that you engage with your child.  You need to spend TIME hanging out with your children … chatting with your children … building a relationship with your children.  In order to be ABLE to train and instruct your children in the Lord … our next 3 points … you need to be engaged with their lives.

Arguably the BEST bit of parenting advice I ever received was from a video clip I stumbled over from Ray Galea … who is an Anglican minister from here in Sydney.  In this video he said one of the best things he ever did as a father was to spend 1 hour a week … one-on-one … with each of his kids.  His kids could do whatever they wanted with him … go shopping, play video games, etc; so long as he got 20 minutes to talk with them.  He said that hour each week meant he had a great relationship with his kids … EVEN through their teenage years.  He said his 22-year-old son … who’s probably closer to 40 now … still looked forward to that hour each week.

And I still remember the day I introduced this as a parent.  About 2 weeks after Logan started school, I picked him up on a Monday afternoon, and told him that from then on, he and I would spend 1 hour together every Monday afternoon.  And when I told him that … I kid you not … tears started welling up in his eyes, and he stopped, turned around and gave me a massive hug.  That moment has never left me.  He was overjoyed, because that gesture to him showed him that I love him.

Now as each of my 4 kids entered school … I found I wasn’t able to spend an hour each week with each of them.  But to this day I still regularly take each of my kids to Adoras … for a hot chocolate or a milk shake … and we just chat … about anything and everything.  We call it ‘daddy time’.  And what daddy time has meant … is that my kids feel comfortable talking to me about anything.  Well … almost anything.  But …

Ephesians 6:4 (NIV) [bringing] your children […] up in the training and instruction of the Lord.

… means you need to be engaged in their lives.  It takes time.  And you have to start young.  But it’s totally worth it.

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Training (Prov 22:6)

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THIRD parenting tip … is don’t fix all your kid’s problems.  Instead … show THEM how to fix them.

Proverbs 22:6 (NIV) Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it.

So there was a term coined a few years ago called ‘bulldozer parenting’.  In America I think it’s called ‘snowplough parenting’ … but many Aussies have never even SEEN snow … so we call it bulldozer parenting.  And it’s called that because these parents run interference for their kids … pushing all obstacles out of their way.  So if their child gets a ‘B’ on their report card … the parent berates the teacher until they give their child an ‘A’.

Now the problem with bulldozer parenting … is it fails to prepare the child to face the real world themselves.  So when the child hits Uni … or the workforce … mummy won’t be able to tell your lecturer to give you and ‘A’ for your mediocre work anymore.  Nor will she be able to tell your boss to go easier on you.  Bulldozer parenting raises kids who have no skills to be able to navigate real life.  Instead … train the CHILD in the way they should go.

Let me give you an example.  I was having daddy time with one of my sons a few years back.  And I asked ‘how is school?’  And he said ‘OK’.  And I thought ‘oh’.  So I said ‘is anyone picking on you?’  And he said ‘yeah … there’s this girl in my class who is always tugging on my bag … or trying to trip me over.  And she tripped me over in front of everyone last week … and they all laughed at me’.  So I said ‘well WHY do you think she’s doing that?’  And he said ‘I don’t know.  She probably doesn’t like me’.  And I said ‘it’s actually the opposite tiger.  When little girls pick on little boys … or vice-versa … it’s usually because they LIKE them.  They just don’t know how to express themselves.’  But I said to him ‘it’s still not nice though … is it?  So what can we do to make it stop?’  And he said ‘I dunno’.  So I said ‘well next time she does something like that … how about you say to her … in front of everyone … ‘look Maria … or whatever her name was … you’re a really nice girl … but I just don’t like you that way’.  And what that does is … it doesn’t HURT her.  You’re paying her a compliment.  But it will embarrass her just enough … to make her less inclined to pay you that kind of attention in the future.

So notice what I did there.  I didn’t storm down to the school and demand the teachers FIX the problem.  I instructed my son … trained my son … gave my son the skills to fix it himself.  So when he gets out in the big bad world … an encounters problems … which he will … he’ll have some skills to deal with those problems himself.

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Instruction (Prov 23:19-21)

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Forth parenting tip.  Don’t just be a teacher.  Be an instructor … or a mentor if you will.  Now do you know the difference?  A teacher stands out the front and gives you skills … information … education.  A mentor walks alongside you … to help you make good choices in life.  So:

Proverbs 23:19-21 (NIV) Listen, my son, and be wise, and set your heart on the right path: 20Do not join those who drink too much wine or gorge themselves on meat, 21 for drunkards and gluttons become poor, and drowsiness clothes them in rags.

So again … this is just an example.  But the author is encouraging their son to get on the right path in life.  Why?  Because the wrong path leads to misery.

Jordan Peterson calls this being a ‘proxy’ for the world.  He says ‘don’t let your child do things that will make you dislike them’.  Why?  Because if YOU don’t like them due to their behaviour … and you’re their parent … the rest of the world is going to HATE them … aren’t they?  And that leads to a very lonely and miserable life.  OK … be a proxy for the world with your child.

So take little kids for example.  People LOVE seeing nice … sweet … well behaved little children … do they not?  So before my kids were at school … I used to take them out on my day off.  We’d go to a park … or a shopping centre … or a café.  Anything to keep them occupied right.  And when they were well behaved … they used to get free food all the time.  Like I’d get a kebab and a kid’s kebab … and they’d say ‘oh … no charge for your kid’.  They’d get chocolates and sweets at different shops.  You name it.  It was embarrassing sometimes.

But compare that with a ratbag kid … who’s noisy and disrespectful.  Who chucks hissy fits when they don’t get their way.  That kid is getting NOTHING … right?  But what’s worse is … that kid is going to grow up thinking that’s how you behave in the real world.  ‘I’m ALLOWED to be noisy and obnoxious.  I’ve always got away with it.’  Now maybe you get away with it with your parents.  But they HAVE to love you.  The rest of us DON’T.  Those kids grow up to be VERY lonely … and VERTY miserable adults.  So be a proxy for the world with your child.

ANOTHER way we can instruct our children is regarding screens.  Now I get it.  Sometimes you just want some peace and quiet as a parent.  And sticking your 3-year-old on a screen for an hour or 2 is a wonderful helper for that.  But PLEASE … understand the cost that comes with that.  I walked into a clothes shop a few weeks back … and the sales assistant was sitting on a couch … scrolling through her phone.  She looked up and asked ‘can I help you with anything?’  I said ‘oh … no thanks.  I’m just looking’.  So she went back to her phone.  HOT tip for kids looking for their first job.  Even if you’re not busy … you’re supposed to look busy.

But that’s ONE example of how screens are making kids unemployable these days.  Simon Sinek … the leadership guru … says we’ve lost our ability to interact with REAL people these days.  When everyone comes in for the departmental meeting … they all just sit on their phones as they wait for the meeting to start … RATHER than talk to the REAL person across the table.  Gen Y and Gen Z need mentoring in these kinds of thing.  So get alongside your kids … and instruct them in real life.

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Godliness (Ephesians 6:4)

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OK … fifth and final parenting tip.

Ephesians 6:4 (NIV) … do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction OF THE LORD.

Last month we preached on The Armour of God … from Ephesians chapter 6.  And the first piece of that armour is The Belt of Truth.  And for those who were here … the BELT … is the once piece or armour that is neither an offensive nor defensive weapon.  The belt is what soldiers would wear to PREPARE them for battle.  What they would do is role their robes up … tuck them between their legs … then wrap them around the outside of their legs … and tuck it into their belt.  The technical term is to gird your loins.  And you did so … to give your legs full motion in battle.

Now Paul uses this military practice metaphorically … to talk about being prepared for our SPIRITUAL battle … against the world, the flesh and the Devil.  What he means is … you and I are not even READY for battle … unless we first understand that the Bible is the infallible word of God.  This book does not CONTAIN truth somewhere in it.  It IS the truth.  Now I’m repeating myself from last month here … but this is important.  Why do you think Jordan Peterson’s views are so in-line with the Bible?  He’s not a Christian.  From what I can make out … he views God as more of a cosmic force than a personal creator or saviour.  Yet every time he does a deep dive on something … whether it be relationships, mental health, economics, politics or parenting … all his research and questioning and thinking leads him to the exact same conclusions the Bible has been teaching for millennia.  Like how many times does the Bible have to be proved right through exhaustive analysis … before people realise this book is not a human book.  It’s divine.

And unless we are searching this book … and obeying it … we haven’t even girded our loins yet.  We’re not ready for battle yet.  And that’s our MOST IMPORTANT job as parents.  I’ve kept the most important parenting tip till last.  The way you raise your kids to be fully functioning adults in the world … is to being them up in the training and instruction OF THE LORD.

• Read the Bible with your kids.  We do it as a family every night after dinner.

• Talk with your kids about Jesus.  Don’t EVER make them think your faith is a private matter.

• And bring them to church … every Sunday … until their old enough to make their own decision.  One of the biggest disservices parents make with their kids is modelling for them that church is optional.  It’s not.

Help your kids to gird their loins for the battle that is life.

Proverbs 22:6 (NIV) … and even when they are old they will not turn from it.

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Conclusion

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And THAT’S my Top 5 parenting tips from the Bible:

1. Discipline:  Proverbs 23:14 (NIV) Punish them with the rod and save them from death.

2. Engagement:  It takes time and energy to raise a child well

3. Training

4. And Instruction: Teach them … but also mentor them.

5. And do it under God’s word.

And if you’re doing your best in those things … then you’re on your way to being a responsible parent.  So parents …

Ephesians 6:4 (NIV) … do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction OF THE LORD.