Real Womanhood
Proverbs 31:10-31
12th May 2024

Introduction

What does it mean to be a woman in our modern world? That’s our topic for today … which I thought was timely for Mother’s Day. And as promised … I’m going to begin with something fun. Just like I looked at the top 10 benefits of being a man last week … here are my top 10 benefits of being a woman:

Taxis stop for us women.
We got off the Titanic first.
We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.
We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
We can congratulate a teammate without ever having to slap them on the backside
We don't have to break wind to amuse ourselves.
There are times when chocolate really can solve all our problems.
We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
We look cute in our boyfriend’s clothes. They look like idiots in ours.

Well like last week … that’s about where the fun stops for this topic. The reason being that experts are telling us there is crisis among our young women today. Now the data I’m about to share with you is from the US … but it translates pretty well across all Western countries. And this data says that from 2004 to 2012 … the number of teenage girls who had major depression was about 12%. But in 2012 that number started to rise … sitting at around 30% today. Almost 1 in 3 girls aged between 12 and 17 are now suffering from major depression.

Now an argument can be made that Western society is more OPEN to talking about mental health now. So perhaps it’s ALWAYS been the case that 30% of teenage girls were suffering from major depression … we just didn’t talk about it before. The problem with that argument though … is that the rates of self-harm and suicide have followed the exact same trend line. And THOSE numbers are not effected by how open we are to talking about mental health.

So these are some terrifying stats … are they not … even if you DON’T have a daughter who’s about to enter that age bracket. So what I want to do today is to ask WHERE this crisis might be coming from … and see if we cannot speak into it. Now having said that … I understand it’s a little weird a MAN standing up the front today … talking about how to be a real woman. So please know that I’m NOT speaking from experience. While there are SOME biological males on the internet who think they’re EXPERIENCING real womanhood … I’m not one of them. What I CAN do though … is exegete … or unpack what our culture says and what the Bible says on this. Yet I AM acknowledging the dangers … and am asking you to be as patient with me as a man … as I’ve tried to be gentle and respectful with what I’m about to say to women. So thank you in advance.

And I’ve got 3 points today … to help us unpack what it means to be a happy and fulfilled woman in modern day Australia. And as it turns out … it’s pretty similar to last week’s sermon on Real Manhood. So we’re going to begin by looking at some of the unhelpful messages that women are being fed today … which I’ve titled (i) What women are currently hearing. We’ll then apply some ancient wisdom … some biblical wisdom … to our current cultural moment … titled (ii) What women need to hear … before concluding with our application … (iii) What women need to do. So … it’s pretty much a carbon copy of last week’s sermon … including a question time at the end. And like last week’s sermon … you don’t need to be a teenage girl for this sermon to be relevant. Because like last week … part of the CAUSE of the current crisis among young women is the messages society is sending. And we’re only going to rectify this crisis if ALL of us are sending better messages. So I pray you can stick with me as we look at what a REAL woman looks like according to our ancient wisdom.

What women are currently hearing

And first up … I want to look at some of the unhelpful messages that Western culture has been feeding women for the past few decades. Yet because I can’t cover EVERYTHING our culture says in under 10 minutes … I want to look at just 3.

And the first is that Western culture has a tendency to tell women that they CAN and SHOULD have it all. Now this finds it’s roots in second and third wave feminism. And like I said last week … feminism is a good thing. We NEED to advocate for the rights of women … so long as there are people and structures out there trying to take those rights away. But like all human institutions … feminism has it’s faults. One of those faults was how second wave feminism … that’s feminism in the 60s and 70s … basically told women that if you are a ‘stay at home mum’ … then you’re not contributing to society. Now thankfully third wave feminism … from the 90s and naughties … corrected this … by saying woman can stay at home or build a career.

Yet one of the unfortunate outcomes of all this is that some women seem to think they can a high-powered full-time career AND be a full-time mum … all at once. And depending on how much support they get from their husbands … it has left many modern women utterly exhausted. Now … there’s no simple solution to this. Some women really benefit from their careers. And some households need 2 incomes. Such couples need to find some sort of compromise … which Deb and I have tried to do … with varying levels of success. But I think the messaging that women SHOULD have it ALL has sadly left many women exhausted.

The SECOND message women seem to be getting today is that in order to be happy … women need to be more like men. Let me give us ONE example of this. The TV show Sex and the City is about 4 glamorous women living the good life in New York City. And the message it sends is that in order for women to be happy and fulfilled in life … they need to be (i) single, (ii) have a super-successful career, and (iii) be able to sleep with as many men as they want … with no consequences. Now … when you hear the words (i) commitaphobe … got to be single, (ii) workaholic … married to your career, and (iii) promiscuous … sleeping with a new person every few episodes … who do you naturally think about? Men right? And NOT good men. They’re the kind of men you want to avoid. Yet this is what shows like Sex and the City are glamorising. They’re telling women that in order to be happy … they need to behave like the worst of men.

The third thing I want to mention is social media. In his latest book ‘The anxious generation’ … Jonathan Haidt says the steep rise in mental illness among teenage girls coincided with the introduction of the smart phone. Why? Because people can now take selfies … and post them immediately … and see the likes in real time. Alongside that … they don’t need to get in front of a computer to scroll through social media anymore. Young girls are now spending upwards of 6-8 hours a day … JUST on social media.

Now social media is NOT evil in and of itself … though the algorithm and advertising IS exploiting people’s vulnerabilities and insecurities. But at it’s core … social media is an information sharing platform … where you can find out what your friends are up to. The problem for young women though … is it feeds one of their main vices; the sin of envy. In her book ‘Compared to her’ … author Sophie de Witt talks about how women compare themselves up and compare themselves down to others. Let me give you an example of each … from the book:

Comparing up: ‘I put on an outfit that I know I look good in, and I feel great – until I get to the party. Then I see someone who looks slimmer, cooler and classier than me … and I feel fat, frumpy and dull’. That’s comparing up.

Comparing down: ‘We know women who spend their money on all kinds of things they don’t need. I’m glad we don’t splash the cash like they do’.

Now whether you’re comparing UP … to people you wish you were like … or DOWN at people you’re glad you’re NOT like … you’re committing the sin of envy. And social media DROWNS us in that. It shows us countless thin, beautiful people … living glamourous lives … and it makes US want to show the world what a beautiful and glamorous life we lead too. Couple this with the fact that on-line friends or followers are FAKE connections. Most of the time they’re not REAL relationships. And they leave us feeling lonely and empty. Is it any wonder that our young women are suffering a crisis of mental health right now?

What women need to hear

So that’s a bit of what young women are currently being bombarded with. Now that is not an exhaustive list. I could have spoken about:

The oversexualisation of women
How sending nude selfies to boyfriends is now considered the norm
How man-bashing is now cool; ‘I don’t need no man’
Or how millions and millions of girls are now doing webcam porn

It is frighteningly difficult being a young girl today. So what SHOULD our young women be hearing? Well again … I can’t cover the full gamut of the Bible’s teaching for women. So let me give 3 pieces of ancient wisdom that might speak into this current crisis.

And the first is … we should not be limiting women on what they can do. Now the passage we read before … Proverbs 31 … can be a little daunting for some women. It looks like this woman DOES have it all. But it’s not so. Now it’s obscured in the English … but this passage is an acrostic poem. That means each line starts with the next letter of the Hebrew alphabet. So this passage is NOT a prescription of what a woman must be like. It is a description of what a woman CAN be like. This is not the Apostle Paul telling us what do to. It is a poet … stringing together pearls of things he’s seen in godly women. And you’ll notice:

This woman looks after her husband and children
But she also makes money … buying property … or selling clothing
She looks after the poor
And she also brings her husband honour

So what this passage says is women CAN have a career … if they want. Or they can be a stay-at-home mum … if they want. Or they can do volunteer work. Or they can do a combination of those things … if they want. Proverbs 31 opens up a world of possibilities for women.

Having said that … the SECOND piece of ancient wisdom I want to mention is that the Bible says men and women are different:

Genesis 1:27 (NIV) So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.

Now my children all knew that boys and girls are different before they turned 3. Sadly many college professors don’t know this anymore. But the Bible is clear. God has made men and women differently. Now they are both equal in the sight of God. God does not think that men are better than women overall … or that women are better than men overall. But he HAS made us different. And those differences mean that men are better than women at certain things … and that women are better than men at certain things. To say otherwise … for fear of offending some woke troll on the internet … is just asking for trouble. When you lie … bad things are comin’ your way.

So instead of claiming that men and women are interchangeable … as certain voices do today … we need to embrace the differences God has designed into humanity. For example:

Men are generally interested in things more than people … whereas women are generally interested in people more than things. Neither is wrong.
When making decisions … men generally think more logically … which is their super-power. Women tend to think more empathetically … which is THEIR super-power.
When working in a team environment … men often want to be out front … making the decisions … whereas women often want to ensure the team holds together. Both are good things.

So we need to stop thinking that the measure of a woman is to compare her to a man. The Bible says God made men and women differently. And this is why Proverbs 31 does NOT say that a woman of noble character picks up a sword and goes to war. Now if the hordes are at the gate … by all means women … fight for your life. But according to the Bible … one of the differences between men and women are that it is men only who are told to go and kill in war. Now feel free to ask me a question on this in a few minutes … but war is one of the ways in which men are told to protect women. I pray that we can EMBRACE our differences … rather than claim that men and women are the same.

The third thing I want to mention to our women today … is that you are enough. The sin of envy comes from the inbuilt desire that ALL humans have to be presentable. We talked about this a few weeks back. If you’re going on a first date with someone you like … what do you do? You make yourself as presentable as you can. So guys will get their back waxed … pluck their monobrow … and maybe even shower. Well … ‘shower in a can’ anyway. Girls will also make sure they look their best. And the reason we want to be presentable is because we all crave connections. BUT … if someone is MORE presentable than us … slimmer … cooler … classier than us … we see that as a threat to how presentable we are … which we THEN think threatens our connections.

Now the treatment for this condition … for comparing up or comparing down … is to remember that we are beautiful, cool and classy … to the only pair of eyes in the universe that matters. If you are a Christian … do you realise that God chose you … before the creation of the world? God saved you … almost 2,000 years before you were even born. God called you … regenerated you … sent his Spirit to take up residence INSIDE of you … adopted you into his family … protects you … and is working in you right now … to make you the most Christ-like version of yourself you can be. Do you understand that if you are in a relationship with God … he praises YOU!

Proverbs 31:30 (NIV) Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.

Ladies … it doesn’t matter how you look compared to others … how successful you are compared to others … how fashionable you are compared to others … whether you’re married … or how your marriage or kids are going. What matters is that IF you fear the Lord … you are enough in the eyes of the most important person in existence. And if you only take 1 thing away from today ladies … don’t take the controversial stuff … take this. You are ENOUGH.

What women need to do

So … that’s the Bible’s wisdom for women. Well … some of it anyway. That just leaves us with one final question; what do women need to do … to be this praiseworthy woman of noble character? Well again … for the sake of time … let’s just look at 3:

And I don’t want to be controversial about this. So last week I played hardball with the guys and basically said just get off computer games together. I’m pretty sure exactly no one will take that advice. But my hope is our guys will at least regulate themselves in that area.

For the ladies … I’m not going to say ‘get OFF social media altogether’ … even though I REALLY think you should. Like are the connections REALLY worth the risk of significant mental illness? But given NONE of you are going to get off social media … what I WILL say is: regulate yourself. The jury is IN on this. Social media gives people a dopamine hit … just like drugs or porn does. In fact the studies show that just SEEING your phone on the other side of the room gives people a dopamine hit … before they even pick it up. So we need to regulate ourselves.

Number 1 … regulate who you follow. Stop following the Kardasians … or ANY influencers for that matter. Just follow the friends you have a connection with in REAL life.

Step 2 … regulate your time. Give yourself a half hour in the morning … or thereabouts … and a half hour in the evening … and don’t open TikTok or Instagram outside of those times.

And Step 3 … get an accountability partner to help you. OK … self control is not claiming I can stop myself from looking at things like porn or social media. It’s putting structures in place to HELP you. So pick a close friend … and keep each other accountable. Social media is literally killing our young girls. So be wise … and regulate yourself.

Application number 2: Stop thinking you have to have it all NOW. There’s actually a name for having to have it all. It’s called FOMO. Fear of Missing Out. And it is a debilitating idol … that ruins people and relationships. FOMO means you have to watch every sporting match … go to every concert … be at every catch-up … attend every party … see as much of the world as you can … be as successful as you can … and don’t let anyone stand in your way.

Now if this life is all there is … then you HAVE to be that selfish … don’t you. You HAVE to suck the marrow out of life. Yet as Christians we know there is an eternity waiting for us beyond this world … filled with the BEST music … the most ENJOYABLE people … the most EPIC parties … and the most breathtaking scenery imaginable. So stop thinking we have to have it ALL now. Put FOMO to death.

And finally … join a local church … and be there EVERY WEEK. The curious anomaly that Jonathan Haidt’s research shows is that young girls who are part of a religious community … have NOT seen the jump in mental illness and suicide. Now WHY is this?

Well firstly … its because they still have REAL connections in life … as opposed to just fake ones.
And SECOND they have role models. In Titus chapter 2 … Paul tells older women to be teaching the younger women.

So ANY parent of young girls … or any young women … who aren’t a member of a church community are doing themselves an enormous disservice. The data is in. Church brings a sense of belonging … a sense of community … a sense of acceptance … that makes women happier. And we are all a part of making that happen … if we’re here each week.

Conclusion

And THAT’S the Bible’s wisdom for modern women:

Embrace that God has made you female … and stop comparing yourself to men.
Know that you are enough … and stop comparing yourself to other women.
Regulate your fake connections … that mess with your mental health.
And work hard on fostering REAL connections … with God and with his people. For: