Introduction

 

There’s a growing consensus in the West that crime is on the rise.  Yet rather than rely on anecdotes … let me tell you what the NSW government website says about crime statistics.

• So across the last 10 years … the murder rate has remained steady … as has auto theft.  So it’s not better … but it’s also not worse.

• There has been a significant DEcline over the past 10 years on things like break & enter, stealing FROM motor vehicles and malicious damage … which is good news.

• Yet over the past 10 years (i) Domestic violence is up 3%, (ii) Assault is up 1%, (iii) Sexual assault is up 9%, and (iv) Retail theft is up 3%.

So while most theft is down … most assault crimes are up.  Now if you ask the average progressive what has led to crime getting worse … they will say it’s due to unjust social systems … such as racism, or the gap between the rich and the poor.  If you ask the average conservative why Western society seems to be getting worse … they will say it’s due to the breakdown of the nuclear family.  So which one is it?  Well the Bible says ‘Por qué no los dos?’.  Why can’t it be both.

If you look at the OT Law … along with most of the OT prophets … they tell us that when the powerful oppress the powerless … you will NOT have a peaceful and harmonious society.  At the same time … many of the OT laws … along with the wisdom literature … make a direct link between the breakdown of the family unit and the breakdown of society.  And the reason FOR this … is that the family is where people LEARN that they are loved … AND learn how to submit their personal needs and wants to others … for good social cohesion.  And this is what we’re looking at today … with Commandment number 5.

So … we’re looking at the 10 Commandments this term.  We did Commandments 3 and 4 out of order … to accommodate some annual leave for me.  Thank you to Drew for swapping weeks last minute.  And the 10 Commandments can be split into 2 sections.  Commandments 1-4 are about how we are to treat God … while Commandments 5-10 are about how we are to treat other humans.  And the very first cab off the rank for this 2nd section … deals with the family.  Yet if that’s not enough to get our attention … the Apostle Paul tells us in Ephesians 6 that Commandment 5 is quote: ‘the first commandment with a promise’.  And that promise is:

Ephesians 6:3 (NIV) “so that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.”

Now what does it mean to ‘enjoy long life’?  Does it mean those who come from happy families will all live till they’re 100?  Well it CAN’T mean this … because plenty of people who honour their father and mother end up dying young.  What mot scholars tell us … is ‘living a long life’ is a euphemism for living in peace and harmony.  What this means is … the COROLLARY of Commandment 5 … is that if the family unit starts to break down … then society starts to break down.

And I’ve got 3 points today … to help us help us try and avoid this happening.  So we’re going to begin by looking at (i) WHY we’re commanded to honour our father and mother.  And the WHY has to do with the purpose of the family unity.  We’ll THEN look at (ii) WHAT honouring our father and mother looks like … which is where we’ll spend most of our time today … looking at the mechanics behind fulfilling this command.  We’ll then conclude by looking at (iii) HOW we can honour our father and mother.  And by HOW … I mean what is the fuel that’s allows us to fulfil this pivotal commandment.  So let’s dive in … and look at the WHY, the WHAT and the HOW of ‘honouring your father and mother’.

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Why we are to honour our father and mother

 

So … before we unpack Commandment number 5 … it’s worthwhile taking a step back to look at what Commandment number 5 is trying to protect … which is the family unit.  So what is the family unit?  Well … Tim Keller gives us a pretty good working definition when he says a family is ‘a learning community based on a covenant of lifetime loyalty’ (repeat).  So let’s unpack this briefly.

To begin with … a family is a community.  Now the Bible’s ideal for this … is a mum, a dad and several children.  But that’s the ideal.  A married couple without kids is still a family … as is a single parent household … or even a household of children in which the parents may have tragically died.  They’re ALL families.  But the IDEAL for the family … is one man … committing himself to one woman … in which they build a stable environment in which to raise kids.

Second … a family is based on a ‘covenant of lifetime loyalty’.  OK … WHEN said man commits himself to said woman … he does so (i) forsaking all others, and (ii) till death do us part … right.  What this means is … God’s ideal for marriage is you DO NOT break up.  Now the Bible gives SOME exceptions to this … which are (i) your spouse NOT forsaking all others … i.e. adultery (Matt 5), (ii) your spouse abusing you … which is the opposite of love (Exodus 21), or (iii) your spouse abandoning you (1 Cor 7).  But marriage is supposed to be ‘till death do us part’.  And so is having kids.  If you’ve got Proverbs open there.

Proverbs 23:22 (NIV) Listen to your father, who gave you life, and do not despise your mother when she is old.

Even though you may have moved out … your mother is still your mother … till death do you part.  A covenant of lifetime loyalty.

And finally … a family is a LEARNING community.

Proverbs 23:22 (NIV) Listen to your father, who gave you life

The role of parents is to train their kids to be adults.  To train their kids … so that they don’t need them anymore.  And there are 2 main areas that children need training for in this.

The FIRST is … to be able to fend for themselves … to be able to feed, clothe and house themselves.  And in an industrialised society … such as ours … what is needed more than anything else … is schooling.  Ok … in agrarian societies … you need to know how to FARM in order to fend for yourself.  So in ancient Israel … if parents didn’t teach their kids how to grow, prepare and cook their own food … they were bad parents.  They were setting their kids up for failure.  In modern Australia … if you don’t ensure your kids get an education … you’re a bad parent.  OK … schooling is paramount to kids learning how to fend for themselves in modern Australia.

The SECOND area in which kids need training is values.  OK … parents are to teach their kids things like:

• What is right and what is wrong

• How to treat others

• How to develop a good work ethic

• Or what is worth fighting for … or even dying for … and what is not

And there are 3 steps to doing this effectively:

Firstly … we EXPLAIN to them right and wrong.  Don’t just say ‘my way or the highway’.  Explain to them why boys should not hit girls … and why girls should not say nasty things … or vice versa.

Second … we SHOW them right and wrong with our actions.  Practice what you preach.  We FAIL to instil good values into our kids if they see us saying one thing and doing another.

And THIRDLY … we DISCIPLINE them when they DO wrong.  When kids grow up without boundaries … or their boundaries are not enforced … they develop issues with self-control, social skills, and respect for authority figures like teachers or the police.  So if you want to see your kids in jail … then don’t discipline them.

But these 3 steps are a means to an and.  The end is to train your kids so that they don’t need you anymore.

Proverbs 23:15 (NIV) My son, if your heart is wise, then my heart will be glad indeed;

And that’s the purpose of the family unit.  It is where we learn love and respect … and where we learn to put the needs and wants of others ahead of our OWN … for good social cohesion.  So please do not listen to people or organisations that want to do away with the nuclear family.  When Black Lives Matter first rose to prominence … I went on their Website … and saw that one of their policies was to dismantle the nuclear family.  Now they took that down a few weeks later … after serious backlash … because it’s crazy.  When the family unit breaks down … so does society.  So honour your father and mother.

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What honouring our father and mother looks like

 

The next question is … WHAT does honouring your father and mother look like?  Well let me begin by saying what it DOESN’T look like.  It DOESN’T mean you have to love your parents.  Notice Commandment number 5 is not ‘LOVE your father and mother’.  We’re commanded to love God … Commandment 1 … but not our parents.  The reason being … some parents are impossible to love.  Some parents can be evil.  So God doesn’t command our emotions when it comes to our parents.

But he DOES command our actions.  He says even if you don’t love your parents … you’re still to HONOUR them.  And this means (a) to treat them with respect, and (b) don’t dishonour them … don’t embarrass or humiliate them.  And this will look different … depending on what age bracket you’re in.  So what I want to do … is outline what honouring your father and mother look like … for each stage of life.

And we’ll begin … at the beginning … with little children.  When kids are little … they honour their father and mother by obeying them.  OK … there’s a direct correlation in life between responsibility and authority.  So when a child is a baby … the parent is 100% responsible for that child.  A little baby cannot feed itself, clothe itself, house itself … or even take itself to the toilet.  The parent is 100% responsible for that child.  That means the parent is also 100% in authority over that child.  Whatever the parents say … the child needs to do.

Ephesians 6:1 (NIV) Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.

Now … AS that child grows … the parent’s responsibility reduces.  And therefore so does the parent’s authority.  So before our kids went to school … Deb and I had 100% authority over who our kids hung out with.  But as they started to take responsibility for developing friendships themselves … our authority over that part of their life reduced.  Like if we tried to control who our teenagers hang out with … they will grow to resent us.  So … little kids honour their parents by obeying them in everything.  School kids honour their parents by obeying them in areas that their parents have responsibility over.

Next comes the teenage years.  Now please don’t think I’m speaking ONLY to my children here … who are all teenagers right now.  What I’m about to say is directed at ALL of Gen Z and Alpha.  And I begin by saying that IF you’re still living under your parents’ roof … or whoever is caring for you … you’re still going to have SOME rules to obey.  And if you don’t like that … feel free to move out at age 15 … while you still know everything … and pay your OWN way in life.  But how do we honour our parents when we’re no longer kids … but are not yet FULLY responsible adults?  Well firstly … don’t DIShonour your parents … either by word or deed.

So don’t speak ill of your parents.  This is what got Prince Harry in hot water a few years ago.  He dissed his family in an interview with Oprah … suggesting they were racist.  This is why you’ve NEVER heard me use a negative illustration about my parents … even though they’d never know.  Do not speak ill of your father or mother in public.

But second … don’t DO things that will embarrass or humiliate them.

Proverbs 23:19 (NIV) Listen, my son, and be wise, and set your heart on the right path:

Now the EXTREME examples of the wrong path would be things like (i) having your parents have to accompany you to court, or (ii) support you with a teenage pregnancy.  Please stay away from those things.  But there are ALSO lesser things we can do to embarrass our parents.  So don’t disrespect them in word or deed.

The way we honour our parents as teenagers … is to start growing up.  Like if the GOAL of parenting is to raise your kids so they don’t need you anymore … then the goal of BEING a kid is to help them get you to the point where you don’t need them anymore.

Proverbs 23:24 (NIV) The father of a righteous child has great joy; a man who fathers a wise son rejoices in him.

Teenagers honour their parents by starting to become WISE adults.  Now while you’re in school … that means working hard at school … because you NEED an education to make in this life.  When you FINISH school … 18-25 year olds … get off the X-Box … or get off social media … and get a job.  Video games and social media are fun … in small doses.  But in big doses they become a proxy for real life.  What I mean is … they are a FAKE life.   OK … sitting in your ROOM (a) going on fake quests, (b) defeating fake bosses … i.e. challenges, and (c) levelling up in a FAKE world … means you’re not engaging in the REAL world.  If you spend 5-10 hours a day playing video games … or doomscrolling through other people’s lives … you’re not growing up.  You become a wise man or woman by getting a qualification … and starting to pay your own way in life through a part-time job while studying … then a full-time job.

Then FINALLY … how do you honour your father and mother when you’re an adult?  Well believe it or not … it’s by NOT obeying everything your parents tell you.  While some MODERN parents don’t let their kids grow up … by holding onto their child … and letting them live in their basement rent-free … so too do some TRADITIONAL parents not let their kids grow up … by keeping control of them.  So this is what I was TOLD by some people at this church.  They said some Greek or Italian parents will buy their kids’ cars or houses … and use those gifts as emotional blackmail … to ensure they raise their grandkids the way they want them raised.

But here’s the thing.  If the goal of parenting is to raise kids so they no longer need you … then continuing to obey everything your parents tell you actually DIShonouring them.  It shows you don’t yet have a wise heart yet.  You still need mummy and daddy to tell you what to do.  Now by all means LISTEN to your parents.  Have an adult conversation with them.  But we honour our father and mother as adults … by showing them we have a wise heart ourselves … that can make our own decisions.

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How we can honour our father and mother

 

So … we’ve seen the WHY and the WHAT of honouring our father and mother.  The only question left to answer is … how can we do this?  And the REASON I want to end with the ‘how’ … is because it’s probably the most important question.

You see … you and I were raised by imperfect parents … who were themselves raised by imperfect parents.  And our children … either were, are or will be … raised by imperfect parents; us.  What this means is … no human who has ever walked this earth … has ever been given everything we humans NEED to become well-adjusted … fully-functioning … responsible adults.  As any psychologist will tell you … we ALL have mummy and daddy issues of some kind.  OK … NO father or mother is CAPABLE of unconditional love and acceptance.  We’ve ALL to some degree been given a steady diet of CONDITIONAL love and acceptance … with a side-order of whatever emotional baggage our parents passed onto us.  I already tell my kids … they’re probably going to be talking to a counsellor years from now … unpacking all the things their parents did wrong.  It’s inevitable.

But this poses a huge problem.  How am I supposed to respect my parents … when they did things that are not worthy of respect?  HOW am I supposed to grow up … and become a well-adjusted … fully-functioning … responsible adult … if I can’t stop blaming my parents for not loving me perfectly?  Well there are 2 things we need to do … to FUEL us to be able to do all the application from point 2.  If we want to be able to the WHAT of honouring our father and mother … there are 2 things we need to do for the HOW.

And the first is to stop blaming our parents for not loving us perfectly.  Because they never could.  Our parents had varying degrees of their own emotional baggage … from their upbringing and traumas in life.  So step one in REALLY growing up … is realising your parents were not ABLE to give you what humans need to become well-adjusted … fully-functioning … responsible adults.

Step 2 … is to realise God CAN give you those things.  In Bible study this week we looked at my favourite prayer in the whole Bible.  It was a coincidence.  We weren’t looking at this topic.  But my favourite prayer in the Bible is Jesus’ prayer in John 17.  And PART of the reason it’s my favourite prayer … is because Jesus prays for me.  In v. 20 he says:

John 17:20 (NIV) “My prayer is not for them alone [that being the disciples]. I pray also for those who will believe in me through their message,

That’s you and me.  And Jesus prayer for me and you is this.  Tell me if this is not one of the top 3 most amazing verses in the whole Bible:

John 17:22-23 (NIV) I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one—23 I in them and you in me—so that they may be brought to complete unity. Then the world will know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me.

Jesus says even though he is the Father’s ONLY natural child … the Father and the Son are made of the same substance … and even though we disciples are ADOPTED children … step-brothers and sisters of Jesus … the Father loves us the SAME … that’s quality and quantity … as he love the Son … and Jesus has given us the SAME glory that he has.  So IF you are in Christ … if you have turned to Christ in repentance and faith … then you have infinite and eternal love and acceptance … from the only being in the universe that matters.  God.

And so the WAY to grow up … is to look at our parents and think ‘I USED to need their love and approval.  But I now realise they cannot give it perfectly.  So NOW I get my love and approval from God.

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Conclusion

 

And when GOD’S perfect, infinite and eternal love and acceptance is our fuel … we have everything we need to obey Commandment number 5.  So …

Ephesians 6:2-3 (NIV) “Honor your father and mother”—which is the first commandment with a promise—3 “so that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.”